Archive department · Six serious papers
The following conclusions survived strict peer review. Here, peers means whichever other dogs happened to be awake.
Researchers opened snack packages across rooms, sleep stages, and volume levels. Every subject located the source quickly; selective deafness appeared only when the word “bath” was used.
About 27,000 times faster than replying to a work message.
The study controlled for weather, Mondays, and human feelings. From every observational angle, both sides remain reassuringly consistent.
Unless the DOGE on the left runs after a squirrel.
Before observation, the tail is both “wagging” and “possibly moved by wind.” Opening the snack cupboard collapses the wave function into rapid wagging.
Theoretically enough to power one very small lamp.
The subject begins in one corner, then gains control through slow stretching and strategic rolling. The human eventually sits on the floor and says, “this is fine.”
Expansion was calm, legal, and impossible to stop.
Researchers read “meeting,” “overtime,” “bath,” and “go for a walk.” The first three caused no visible response; the fourth triggered raised ears, spinning, and immediate assembly at the door.
False positives came from the complex phrase “go outside for a meeting.”
When a Shiba quietly stares at meeting participants, everyone realizes they have spent an hour discussing a three-minute decision.
Side effect: significantly fewer snacks in the meeting room.
Peer review policy
To repeat these experiments, prepare a quiet room, honest notes, and sufficient rewards. The institute is not responsible if the subject suddenly chases a pigeon.
